Projection Reflection

The Santa Cruz Trek is a well-known three to four-day hike that winds through the behomoth Andean giants in Huascarán National Park in Peru. I sign up for the hike through a tour company and trust the Universe that I will manifest the people I want to attract into this adventure.

The Universe always gives me what I need.

Somehow, amidst the stunning beauty of the Andean mountains, I find an ugly tendency of mine. Let’s note my lack of ownership as I continue to tell you that this unfavorable habit of mine is solely fueled by one person in the group

What wound that starts to surface is one of sisterhood. The outer landscape includes the great outdoors with real-live adults, but the inner landscape is a playroom with little girls on the floor. I wonder if the girl who sits with me will share or if she’ll bully me around & be mean. Within seconds I know that this girl before me is not going to share. She’s going to look for every shred of evidence she can to tell me I’m doing life wrong.

It’s an old wound of rejection. What’s really going on is that this other woman is not secure enough in herself, so she feels threatened by me. To overcome this dreadful feeling of inferiority, like a coveted doll, she snatches power to hold over me and the whole group. 

She is loud-mouthed & exaggerates her words in the most cringe-worthy of ways. She is a know-it-all who speaks incessantly and asks questions just so she can hear herself talk.

The more she robs me of my opportunity to speak, the more insignificant & unimportant I feel. The more she fires pointed questions my way to challenge my choices, the more uncertain I feel. My injured self blinds me at first, but as I transform the bitter feelings into an opportunity to learn and evolve, I can see her, myself, & our dynamic more clearly.

Just as she is a reflection of my injured belief system, I am a reflection of hers.

She wants to be heard. She wants to feel important. She wants to feel loved.

We are both unsure of ourselves. Insecure.

She is me. I am her.

We are vastly different human beings, yet how we find value in ourselves parallels one another. We define ourselves & derive self-worth through adventure, travel, and worldliness. Yet, what we’re both missing in an ability to validate our own abilities, our own value. We are dependent on others for such thing and, as such, we enter into a zero-sum modeling. This means that we are the most X, Y, Z or we are nothing at all. We cannot hope to bond or respect one another while we exist in such an injured state.

She boldly claims to be a strong independent woman, yet she is traveling, and has only traveled with her boyfriend. When she sees that I am “out-doing” her on the independence front as I am traveling, climbing up & down the Peruvian Andes on my own, she feels beaten in comparison. As if backed into a corner, she attacks to defend herself. Her eyes narrow as she criticizes the gear that I’ve bought. She harshly judges everything I eat, and insists that if it weren’t for an injury, she’d be right there with me keeping up with the strapping young men at the front of the group. She fires disdainful question after disdainful question at my lack of itinerary & open abhorrence to a bucket list.

She scoffs when I share my philosophy that I will let the wind sweep me where it will.

This is my deep, inner knowing. But I can’t rationally explain this to someone who doesn’t know, much less trust their own philosophy.

Because I am not rooted in Self, I flow with uncertainty when this challenge arrive. I let her get to me as I, too, feel backed into a corner, heavily provoked to attack.

I do trust in my ability to travel gracefully throughout the world, but my self-doubt is Herculean. I allow uncertainty to settle in as this woman challenges me. I recoil at a mere change in tone when she comments unfavorably about my life decisions. I have been trying to detox from a lifetime of believing I can’t do anything well, that I’ll never be good enough, & that I shouldn’t trust my inner voice and knowing. I let her ridicule poison the delicate seeds I’ve been planting. These seeds are those of self-trust, love, & deep faith.

I am in the infant stages of reclaiming such things. I’m in the beginning stages of recognizing my power & abilities & it will be a long while before I have true confidence.

True confidence is not loud or boisterous; it is steady & gentle. True confidence is based on internal confirmation that takes external validation with a grain of salt. True confidence recognizes that ability is limitless and accessible to all; it is not competitive. It is unshakeable. Constant. It is supportive & encouraging to Self & to others.

It is hard for me to face this jealous part of my ego. I do not want to admit that I feel my travels are less than hers because she has traveled nonstop for much longer than I have. I do not want to admit that, even though I do not believe in bucket lists, I find myself checking off boxes as she lists hers. I don’t want to face this voice, but when I do acknowledge its presence, I’m able to converse with it. Instead of stifling it when it speaks, I hear what it has to say, giving myself a chance to know myself better & what I’m needing to still heal within.

I needn’t helplessly anticipate for this girl or any other woman to create safety for me. What’s needed is for me to witness myself in my greatness. To own & harness my own power, to relish my own energy. I need to love myself so deeply, be proud of myself so deeply that that is what pours forth. So then, when I encounter a woman who suffers from a maimed spirit, I can dissipate tension, diffuse conflict by not seeing her as a threat

Even if she attacks me

Even if she’s unkind & mean or outwardly rude, I get to choose to become so grounded in my roots that nothing can shake me. I get to choose to go high as opposed to going low as I used to in the past.

Going high builds camaraderie & community. It waters & nourishes the garden of the Sisterhood. Going high creates a safe environment for everyone to be themselves. Going high means extending compassion to others even when I don’t really want to. Going high means upgrading to the best version of myself & purging the parts that I’ve long outgrown.

Going high means recognizing my experience with this woman is a chance to evolve. Instead of feeling guilty for my thoughts & actions during that interaction, I promise myself I will learn how to better dismantle my triggers.

Not just for me, but for all the people, brothers & sisters, I come in contact with.