Dream On
Bodega Domaine Bousquet, Tupungato, Mendoza
Since I first heard the traces of magic in its name, I’ve always wanted to live in Argentina. There’s something about a foreign name that can really stir up the dust of mystique and intrigue. It’s exactly that kind of feeling that connects to a deep knowing within myself that that is exactly what I am supposed to do. That it is something meant for me, where a gift is hidden, should I be daring enough to pursue it.
At the age of 19, I had a plan to live in Buenos Aires for a short study abroad, all that my major & sport would allow. But, I never made it. It wasn’t fear of the unknown, but fear of being seen that obstructed my plans.
At the height of my college career, I was on a path of self destruction. I single handedly ruined my running career & became the antithesis of everything I stood for up until that moment in time. With a shattered identity, a feeling of deep shame seeped into me, resulting in a deep desire to not be seen by anyone. I also had a very clear vision with strict parameters detailing who I “should” be on such an exotic experience abroad. I was incapable of exercising, my weight was increasing by the day, & my sense of self had vanished like a disappearing act. These were incongruous with the grandiose idea of myself I had in my head as a sexy, mysterious, international traveler & since I far missed the mark on who I “should” be, I denied myself the chance to live out one of my dreams.
But the thing about dreams is that they live on. They may lie buried & covered in dust, but they cannot be forgotten. We are simply too passionate a species to let our dreams die. And, so, 13 years later, I finally create the opportunity for myself to live & travel throughout the land that sparked such curiosity in me as a naive teenager.
There are no mistakes in life, just lessons for us to use for self betterment. After a decade of contemplation, I’ve had the chance to learn that what I once experienced to be the lowest point in my life was my saving grace. College running threw me down a spiral of perpetual inadequacy. There was no such thing as 'fast enough’ or ‘skinny enough’, just a total existence of not being enough.
It was in falling that I realized I was destined for a life that was filled with more than counting seconds on a watch or calories going in & out of my body. I deserved to upgrade from my lifestyle of living in fear of every food that I ate & every stride that I took. At best, I felt the fleeting triumph of a best time like sand slipping through my palms. At worst, I felt the crippling plummet of once spiked endorphins curling me into a ball with inconsolable tears.
The path of a collegiate athlete was not serving me & it had strangled the joy out of one of my most beloved past times. My restless spirit & soul knew what was best for me & led me down a different path. I suffered greatly in losing my identity as a runner, but it opened up to a life filled with richness & adventure that I couldn’t have dreamed of myself. Through many twists, turns, & nosedives along the way, I finally arrived in the land I had always dreamed so fervently of with more lust for life than I ever could have mustered before.
I arrive with a fresh mentality. It is far evolved than the one I had so long ago. It is one of abundance over scarcity. One that focuses on gratitude & appreciation over problem-searching. I have a better understanding of who I am & what brings joy to my life. Should I have been successful in studying abroad with the mentality I had at 19, I would have experienced the world through the limited view I had in life at that time.
It’s with an energetic upgrade that I live out one of my most cherished desires.
Better late than never.
